Tattoo

In October, on the anniversary of my transplant, I am going to get a tattoo. My friend is going to go with me and get one as well. I thought for a long time that my first tattoo was going to be the Japanese kanji for life. (The image on the left) But the more I think about it, the more I am wondering if the Japanese kanji is the way to go. I definitely want the symbol for life, but is this really the way to go? The symbol for life is represented in many different cultures. For instance, the Celtic Tree of Life or the spiral of life. Then there is the Egyptian ankh. I know that the symbol of life is important to me. I know that for me it is who I am. After all that I have been through, I want to proclaim with this tattoo that I am alive, and that I know how precious life is. Is there a symbol of life that I missed? Any thoughts on this?

Predictable?

So I was hangin’ out with Josh last night and he predicted that I was going to be “working” from home today. Well, I was going to go in to work today, I honestly was, but I got a call from a co-worker early this morning telling me that the freeway was closed at Craycroft. Well, I turned on the news and powered up the trusty laptop, but I was unable to see anything about the closure. I then made the decision…Why risk sitting in my car for an hour trying to get to work, when I could log in from home? So I am working from home today. And yes, I am actually working. I have been able to get quite a bit accomplished so far!

Also, if I had not been home, I would not have been here to get my Roomba from the front steps! It is a nifty little gadget. I can’t wait to see how it actually works!

Death in life

Ok. So the title is a little morbid, but stick with me on this one.

I wrote this poem while I was going through a very difficult period in my life. I had lost several friends to cancer in a relatively short time period. I was also struggling with my feelings and my own survivorship.

there are so many obstacles in the path of every life.
some lives never reach their final resting point.
my life never started.
it was interrupted in becoming.
I am am scared of making it start.
I am lost ot the inumerable consequences that are life.
I am scared of the recurrance of death in life.
I cannot see myself.
all of my loves tell me to do,
but I cannot, I am scared and weak.
I have used all of my strength living through life.
I have nothing left.
How can I live the rest of my life?
life seems simple compared to what I’ve been through.
too simple.
no complications.
no obstacles.
no purpose.
what do I live for except living?
I do not know how to live.

As I sit here reading this again I am surprised that I wrote that. Where I find myself today is such a different place than the place I was at when I wrote that. I look now at my life, and I can say with conviction (yes I use a thesaurus) that my life has started. I have been living for a while now, but now I truly am. I was very scared to make my life start, but a friend came into my life that showed me what there was to live for. That friend showed me and has helped guide me to find this place. No, it wasn’t a woman. 🙂 I still am scared of the recurrence of death in life, but I am more comfortable with the idea that death is only the end of this life. I know that my strength is not my own. There have been a few instances that I have thought I could not handle anything more, but I have placed in a situation that I have had to. And I have.

I have found where I belong now. At least for the time being. And I am accepted there with open arms. I am loving life.

Friendship

I have some kick butt friends.

I consider a friend someone who will sit and talk with me about anything and everything. To me there are no taboo subjects between friends. Mind you, there is a big difference between a friend and someone I hang out with occasionally. I don’t have a lot of friends, but the ones I do have are awesome. A friend lets me crash at his house when his wife is out of town. A friend will hang out talking, smoking cigars, drinking and having a good time. A friend will ask me how I am doing and really want to know; and can tell the difference if I am saying “fine” just to say “fine.” A friend will take me out to a bar and point out women for me to go talk to; and most importantly, not laugh hysterically when I chicken out!

Why?

I had breakfast with Petra this morning. It was really good to catch up with her. It is amazing what a variety of people I have come to know. I would have never met anyone like her before I was sick. I have known her for a few years, and it is great to see her now. She is happily married and has “inherited” 2 children. From the stories she tells, motherhood agrees with her.

I just got back from a wedding. I knew the groom only as an acquaintance, but my parents know his parents very well. I knew the groom’s brother, he was also a cancer patient. Unfortunately, he did not make it. I was reminded that it was on July 4th, the same day I was baptized, that James was finally made independent of cancer. I don’t know, maybe that was part of why that day seemed so right to me. The wedding brought back some feelings that I thought I had moved past. Why does God put families, good people, through so much pain and suffering? Why does He take the good ones away from the world? Not only James, but Moira too. Petra and I remembered Moira this morning. She was such an awesome woman. She did so much to help people; not only cancer patients, but everyone. I loved her so much it hurts every time I think about it. It is so frustrating to see what He has done, but not to know the why of it. I feel myself doubting Him and this plan I am a part of but cannot see. It scares me, makes me angry that I cannot grasp it, frustrates me, and makes me sad at the same time.

Why do I open my heart and start loving people only to have them get sick and die? I realize that that does not happen to everyone I know. If it did I would have secluded myself in a mountain retreat already. Why? Why? Why?

The mother load

Today I played in the tourney. It was a lot of fun. I played on a team with my dad, my best friend, and his father-in-law. We also had a junior assigned to us. The only bad thing was there were 400 players for 2 flights. That meant that there were 3 teams starting on the same tee. The pace that was set for that course is 4:15 for 18 holes. We walked off the course at 6 hours. It was a very long morning, but it was a lot of fun to play, especially when I thought of why we were playing. At the course we heard the grand total of funds raised
for today’s and yesterday’s events. It was an amazing amount of $350,000!

I try to have fun with whoever I play with golfing…as long as they are there to have fun and it doesn’t become too competitive or serious. And yes…JOSH…playing with you, Travis and Chris was one of the funnest times I have had on the course.

Tomorrow I am going to breakfast with my friend Petra. She is the one who got me started rock climbing. I am excited to get caught up with her. It has been a very long time since we talked. She just recently got married and she and her new husband built a house. I am really curious to see what her house looks like.

I’m going to take another nap.

Makes you think

I just got back from attending the 5th annual Erin Trujeque Memorial Gala. It is part of a Erin Trujeque weekend that started this morning with a Pro-Am. Tonight there was a silent auction, a diamond ring raffle, a live auction, food, conversation, stories, tears…it ran the entire spectrum of “stuff”. I was able to share this event with my family, my friends that I have known because of my relationship with cancer, and my best friend. I don’t know why, but I feel really blessed that I have met the kinds of people I have. I don’t imagine that I would have moved to Tucson and started working with my best friend. To be able to introduce him to this part of my life is really amazing.

I was talking to people I have known for years, and I am amazed every time I told people, “I am 15 years out from diagnosis.” In that world, that is a miracle. One of my friends that I met through Camp Enchantment is recently married. She thought I was trying to kid around with her when I told her how long we have known each other. Most people try to forget their birthdays. “It’s just another day.” or “It’s just one more year.” To me, and a lot of other kids out there it is the opposite. It isn’t “just” another day…but it is one more year that they have been blessed with life. They were able to defeat something horrific, and they are here to spread the word; they are here to show others that it can be done.

I was especially touched by a family that spoke this evening. They have infant twins, and both of them were diagnosed with cancer. I cannot even fathom what they are going through right now. But they are brave enough, and the cause is just enough, that they stood up in front of about 500 people and told their story.

It’s funny. As I sit here typing this out I am thinking about Josh’s sermon last Sunday. He talked about Elijah and how he just went where he did, not seeking glory, or because he knew what would happen, but because he had faith. He was just another ordinary guy that did extraordinary things. It might be a stretch, but it makes sense in my minds. These kids, these fighters, are like Elijah. They don’t know any better than to try to keep living; to fight this illness. They don’t think that they are anything but ordinary kids that are sick. But when they survive, their stories inspire others to fight instead of giving in.

I’m Blind!

Well it took me over a year but it is done. I have blinds in my house. I knew exactly what I wanted, it just took me forever and a day to actually get it ordered and over with. But now it is done! They look awesome! Here are a few pictures.

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Nick name

I have had the nickname “spud” or “tater” for a long time. I recently talked to the person responsible for that nickname, and he thinks it’s time for a new one. So, anyone have any ideas?!?

Yesterday was a rough day. I went back to work after being on vacation for 5 days. It was slow, thank goodness, otherwise I don’t know if I would have made it. After work I went over to Josh‘s house…again. Ya I know…what kind of person hangs out with a pastor and his wife…but I get bread out of the deal. 🙂 Plus Josh is a good guy to hang out with; he gives me as much crap as I dish out. Plus his little girl flirts with me and I’m a big softy for that.

I am getting ready to go to New Mexico to participate in the Erin Trujeque Memorial Golf Tournament. It is a golf tournament that benefits the Children’s Cancer Fund of New Mexico. I have been participating in the tourney in some capacity for almost 14 years. First, I was a “poster child” for the cause, then I was part of the steering committee, now I help out by playing golf for a good cause. I’m really excited cause my good friend Billy is going to play this year. I am seriously going to get some other people from church to play next year. Even though it is in NM, it is totally worth it. Plus they have me as proof of the benefits of the cause.