Happy Halloween!

Even though Halloween is not one of my favorite holidays to celebrate, it is a day to laugh at some of the costumes people wear.  For instance, one of my co-workers is dressed up as the evil step mother from Snow White.  One of the funny things about that is the co-worker is a guy.  But the funniest part of that is my manager dressed up in the same costume last year for Halloween.  And yes, he borrowed it from her.  One of my best friends dressed up as a trucker, with long stringy hair, dirty jeans, a cowboy shirt, and a baseball cap.  He looks a little bit like Joe Dirt, but without a mullet.  My manager dressed up like Sally from Tim Burtons A Nightmare Before Christmas.  I did not really have the desire to dress up, so I have on a shirt that says, “This IS my costume.”  Anyone know of a good party to go to tonight?

Contemplation of life, the universe, everything

With everything that is happening with my father, I have really started thinking about my own life more. It is interesting to me that death will make people look more closely at their own lives. I have been looking at the way I treat myself and have decided I should be taking better care of myself. I have started this by going to the Dr. and asking him how to gain weight. It is a small thing, but it turns out I am border line under-weight. I get a lot of crap about how small I am. I used to tell myself that it didn’t bother me. But the more I hear it, the more it bothers me that people discount me for things because of my size. I have always been on the slim side, even before my illness. For a while now I have been breaking down barriers that my illness has put up around me against church, against letting people close, against green food. Now I think it is time for me to go up against my weight. During my illness I was put on steroids because of the anti-rejection properties of them. I remember looking in the mirror when I was at my heaviest and thinking, “Who the hell is that staring back at me?” Ever since I have not wanted to gain weight because I am afraid that person will come back. I don’t want to ever be that person again.

Trick-or-Treat

Last night I went trick-or-treating with the Reich’s.  It was pretty awesome that they let me go with them on their first trick-or-treating experience with Ava.  I did have a costume, though I am sure no one knew what I was.  I was dressed as a paparazzi.  I was taking pictures of Ava as a Fall Fairy.  The pictures are on Josh’s blog here.

Woohoo! I did it!

Well I did it. I found me a woman. Oh wait…just kidding. I went and got my tattoo!!! So here’s the whole story:

I couldn’t sleep on Tuesday night cause I was so damn excited, so waking up on the big day wasn’t hard at all. I did a few things around the house but mostly just paced back and forth until it was time to go pick up Josh. We had to stop at church to do a few things before we went to lunch. I’m kinda glad it wasn’t a lot, cause work of any kind was the last thing I wanted to do. After that was done we went to lunch at Chili’s. It was a good meal, I had the Monterey Chicken and Josh had a Pita Fajita thing. I really wanted a beer with lunch, but I figured you had to sign a waiver that you hadn’t had any alcohol, so I resisted the urge. After we were done we headed off to the Enchanted Dragon. The artist was running about an hour behind schedule, so I listened to Eddie Izzard, who just happens to be the funniest comedian I have ever heard. Anyways, once the artist was done I sat down and off he went. My tattoo only took about 30 minutes, and it didn’t hurt at all. It did feel like a rug burn as it was happening, but nothing too bad. I got my tattoo on the 13th anniversary of my second transplant. I have wanted to commemorate the anniversary for some time, but I didn’t really have a friend that would go with me. That is until I met Josh. Ya, he is my pastor, but he is a really cool guy and a great friend. One could say he is my best friend. The kanji I have means “life” and “destiny” depending on the context. I think both meanings really hit home with me. 13 years ago I was given a 3rd chance at life. 13 years ago my destiny was changed yet again. I am lucky, I am blessed to still be here. Here is a picture right after.

After I was done it was Josh’s turn. His was a lot bigger of a piece, so it took a lot longer. But it turned out awesome. Not as cool as mine, but still cool. Here’s a pic of his. Click on it to go to his post about it.

Tomorrow’s the big day

Tomorrow is the big day.  I am going to get my tattoo.  The design has really changed from what I first thought I was going for.  At first I wanted a large phoenix tattoo with it’s wings encompassing the kanji for life.  I really wanted to see the tattoo every day, so I wasn’t going to get it on my back.  I was going to get it on my leg.  I asked my friends and family what they thought, and at first they were all for it.  But the closer it got and the more they thought about it (and the more I thought about it) the more unsure about the leg they became.  I got really nervous about doing a really big piece for my first one.  I don’t know where my pain tolerance is right now.  So now what I have landed on is a lot smaller, on my shoulder, but still just as symbolic as ever.  I am getting the kanji for life, <i>inochi</i>, with the date of my transplant under it.  I still want a phoenix on my leg, but that, for now at least, is on the shelf.  The other great thing about tomorrow is Josh is going with me.  He is a true friend and I think it is really awesome that he is going with me and getting a tattoo too.

Funny picture

I took this picture a while ago and just now remembered it. I was sitting in Josh‘s car waiting for his emissions test to get done and I saw this and couldn’t really believe that it was real. So I snapped a pic and here it is.

Better day

Today was definitely a better day.  I think the shock of what happened this weekend finally is wearing off.  I am really blessed that I have the friends I have.  Josh, Katie, Travis, Christie, everyone from church.

Bad weekend

I have had a rather bad weekend. On Friday night, I was hanging out with Josh and Katie after work and I had this sudden desire to call my mom. When I called her I knew something was up just by the way she was talking. I asked her what was going on, and she told me some really bad news. My dad had some problems a few weeks ago, and it was enough for the doctor to order an MRI. Well Friday he had the MRI and they found something. I am not sure what it is, but they do know that it is a tumor, and it is in his brain. I went completely numb. I sat outside for a long time just staring at nothing. I wanted to go home and crawl into bed and never come out. As I walked into Josh’s house, Katie asked me what was going on, and I guess the look on my face said plenty. Josh then came in and I told him what had happened. It was really hard to tell him. I don’t know why. He is one of my best friends and I am really comfortable with him and Katie. Maybe it was saying it out loud, that if I admitted it, that made it real. Maybe if I didn’t tell anyone, that it wouldn’t really have happened; just a bad dream that I would wake up from. He then brought Ava over with Katie and we prayed. As we were praying Ava leaned over and put her head against mine. It was the simplest of gestures, from a child who is not completely aware of the situation, but it still almost put me over the edge that I was already balancing on. Josh then suggested that I just stay the night so I wouldn’t have to drive home. At that point I probably would have agreed to anything. I needed to go somewhere that didn’t have kids and Katie was kind enough to let Josh take me to a local spot, Chuy’s. We sat down and drank a pitcher of margaritas. After a couple, I started voicing some of the things that were floating around in my head. I was scared at first to say them, not to Josh, but just out loud. Why my dad? What else could my family have left to learn from dealing with cancer? Why him and not me? Am I strong enough to get through this? The scariest thing is I don’t know the answer to anything. Right now it feels like I don’t have enough strength. Today at church I was desperately looking for something in the sermon to help me, even though the topic for today was really nothing to do with this subject. I took communion today to try to reassure myself that God is still with me; even if I cannot see Him and I don’t know what the hell He is up to with this. Why is the inevitable so damn scary?